Terrorist Detector

IN THE NAME OF & SUPPORT OF PATRIOTISM

We all know that it is a sin for an Islamic male to see any woman other than his wife naked, and that he must commit suicide if he does.

So next Sunday at 4:00 PM Eastern time, all American women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists.




Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti terrorist effort.



All men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they are not terrorists, and to demonstrate that they think it's okay to see nude women other than their wife and to show support for all American women.



And since the Koran also does not approve of alcohol, a cold six-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-terrorist sentiment.


The American Government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti terrorist activity.



God bless America

And

GOD BLESS AMERICAN WOMEN!




IT IS YOUR PATRIOTIC DUTY TO PASS THIS ON

The Tampon Lineup

Mary easily identified the young man who licked her furiously between her legs at a frat party on the night of April 24th.

Legless Parrot

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird."

"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?"

"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

The guy looks at the $20000 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."

"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!"

The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."


"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.


"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie."


"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"


"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.


"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"


"Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie! , got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over...."



Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"



"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"
<~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~>

Three things

Consider These 3 Thoughts


(1) Zero Gravity
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside-down, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300 C.

The Russians used a pencil. Your taxes are due again--enjoy paying them.

(2) Our Constitution
"They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it's worked for over 200 years and hell, we're not using it anymore."

(3) Ten Commandments
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse is that you cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians! It creates a hostile work environment.

Latest Scam

Latest scam, and this one is real. Be careful. I am a victim of the latest scam which is happening in the Wal-Mart parking lots. Two good looking young women come to your car as you are parking. One starts wiping your windshield with a rag and the other comes to your window and bends over so far her breasts just about fall out of her top.

While you're distracted, the other one lets herself in the back-seat. Then both are begging you for a ride home.

Be very wary, because as soon as you start driving, one of them will take off her shirt and rub her breasts on you while the other climbs over the seat and unzips your pants. This is when they steal your wallet.

I was robbed last Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday
and Friday.

I couldn't find them on Saturday.

Blow Up dolls

A guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.

Guy behind the counter says, "Male or female?"

Customer says, "Female"

Counter guy asks, "Black or white?"

Customer says, "White"

Counter guy asks, "Christian or Muslim?"

Customer says, "What the hell does religion have to do with it?"

Counter guy says, "The Muslim one blows itself up!"

Expensive Wines

I was at a friends house recently and he gave me a glass of wine. It was sooooo good. I wrote down the name and vintage and stopped by the wine store the next day to pick up a bottle. When they told me it was twenty-five dollars a bottle I was going to opt for something in the ten to fifteen dollar range.

It was then the shop owner explained to me with a chart why some wines are much more expensive and after he explained it to me I bought two bottles of the more expensive wine. I asked him for a copy of his chart so I could share it online. If you like a good glass of wine and have shied away from the more expensive labels this presentation should convince you as to why it is more pleasurable to go for the more expensive brands.

Women's Ass Size Study

Women's Ass Size Study

There is a new study just released by the American Psychiatric Association about women and how they feel about their asses.
The results are pretty interesting:

1. 85% of women surveyed feel their ass is too big.
2. 10% of women surveyed feel their ass is too small.
3. The remaining 5% say they don't care; they love him; he's a good man and they would have married him anyway!