nothing to laugh at

Monday, April 09, 2007

How to make millions

A young man asked a rich old man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents. The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 PM for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.35. "

The old man paused a moment.

"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

Monday, February 12, 2007

NJ Guys and the State Trooper

Sorry not posting in a while - moved in to a new apartment with my girlfriend, got a new job, lots of personal stuff over the past half year.

Here's my return joke.

Two men were driving through North Carolina when they got pulled over by a State Trooper.

The cop walked up and tapped on the window with his nightstick.

The driver rolled down the window and "WHACK," the cop smacked him in the head with his nightstick

"What was that for?" the driver asked.

"You're in North Carolina, son," the trooper answered. "When we pull you over in North Carolina, you better have your license ready by the time we get to your car."

"I'm sorry, officer, " the driver said, "I'm from New Jersey and didn't know your laws here."

The trooper runs a check on the guy's license--he's clean and gives the guy his license back.

The trooper then walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window.

The passenger rolls down the window and "WHACK," the trooper smacks him on the head with the nightstick.

"What'd you do that for?" the passenger demands.

"Just making your wish come true," replied the trooper.

"Making WHAT wish come true?" the passenger asked.

"Because I know you New Jersey Guys," the trooper says, "two miles down the road you're gonna turn to your buddy and say 'I wish that asshole would've tried that shit with me!"

Sunday, October 08, 2006

How many animals can you fit into a pair of pantyhose?

Q. How many animals can you fit into a pair of pantyhose? Now, think about it before you answer...

... Keep thinking about it ...

... No, you're not giving this anywhere near enough thought ...

... Ready? Okie, here's the multi-part answer:

1. 10 little piggies (also known as toes), and

2. Two calves, and

3. One ass, and

4. An unknown number of hares (I warned you to think about it, dammit!) and, of course,

5. One pussy!

Monday, August 14, 2006

A little old lady is walking down the street

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There is a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her - "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag.

"Damn" says the little old lady - "I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning.

"Well, now, not so fast, " says the cop. "How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?"

"Oh, no," says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there is a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flowerbeds. So, I stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say, "$20 or off it comes.

"Hey, not a bad idea" laughs the cop. OK, good luck. By the way, what's in the other bag?

"Well says the little lady - "not all of them pay.

Monday, June 26, 2006

old woman - young woman

Married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed, and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year old blonde.

"Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed, and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50-year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, and sleeping on a sofa bed.

Friday, June 23, 2006

a quarter a shot

As a painless way to save money, a young couple agreed that every time they made love the husband would put his pocket change into a piggy bank.

One night, during a particularly athletic session of love-making, he knocked the bank off the table.

It hit the floor and shattered. To his surprise, among the coins was a handful of bills.

"What's with the paper money?" he asked his wife.

"Well," she replied, "not everyone's as cheap as you!"

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

Lena is pregnant with Ole's child

Lena is pregnant with Ole's child.

Late one night, Lena vakes Ole and says, "I tink its time!"
So Ole fired up the Yohn Deere tractor and took her to the hospital to have their first baby.

She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Ole and said, "A son!
Ain't dat great!"

Vell, Ole got excited by dis, but yust den the doctor spoke up and
said, "Hold on! We ain't finished yet!"

The doctor den held up a little girl.
He said, "Hey, Ole! You got you a daughter!"
She's a pretty little ting, too.

Ole got kind of puzzled by this, and then the doctor said, "Holey Moley Ole, we still ain't done yet!"
The doctor then delivered another boy and said, "Ole, you yust had yourself another boy!"

Ole was flabbergasted by this news! A couple days later, Ole brought Lena and their three children home in the self-propelled combine. He was real serious and he asked Lena, "How come we got tree on the first try?"

Lena said, "You remember dat night we ran out of Vaseline and you vent out in the garage and got dat dere 3-in-1 Oil?"

Ole said, "Yeah, I do. Uffda! It's a damn good ting I didn't get the